Tales of the Hollow World Holiday House
by grimmkitty
Summary: AU fic where Aizen and friends have their own Espada style Jersey Shorehouse. Whee!


After dinner the Espadas flop around the lounge of the spacious Hollow World Fraternity House, Grimmjow and Nnoitra playing with the communal Wii, while Ulquiorra ploughs stubbornly through a thick hardcover despite the distracting sounds coming from the television set. On the couch Szayel sprawls out and buffs his nails, as Ilforte eats a banana leisurely.

Aizen and Gin are nowhere to be found, and Tousen and Wonderweiss have gone to the petting zoo for some innocent clean fun, a rarity in the household. At this timely moment Aizen strolls through the door with Gin; immediately they pause to greet him and Gin…and Byakuya…and Hitsugaya…and Renji…

"What the hell?" Grimmjow mumbles as Byakuya, Renji, Hitsugaya, Hisagi, Izuru, Ichigo, Ishida, Stark, Mayuri, Yumichika and Ikkaku follow after.

"I've invited them over since we're not doing anything tonight anyway," Aizen says with his special charming smile. Perhaps it is a trick of light, but he appears to be shrouded in a purple warning glow.

After Grimmjow and Ichigo's customary fist-fight, after Mayuri and Szayel's customary science trivia battle on hybrids (topic drawn from a handy randomizing database), after Stark has fallen asleep randomly and broken some chinaware for the nth time, Aizen frowns and turns to Gin.

"It was a mistake to invite all of them wasn't it?"

"Can't say I din't tell ya so Sousuke," Gin beams cheerfully.

Aizen tsks amiably and stands up, clapping his hands and calls, "Children! Stop this entire hullabaloo and come gather here. We're going to play a game."

"We're playing a game?"

"Whee I want to sit next to Aizen!"

For reasons unknown the raucous guests immediately get up and gather around Aizen in a circle obediently, cheering and screaming. Child's play, Aizen thinks to himself, controlling these silly little sheep.

"Let's play I've Never!" Gin says sneakily and when no one protests, he lets himself start first. Surreptitiously, Szayel and Mayuri shoot each other Very Important Glances and proceed to set up recording instruments. There's no way they're going to lose any of the priceless data they might collect on their enemies from this opportune moment. Or their friends, come to think of it.

"If ya lose ya gotta take a drink," He points to the stash of alcohol peeking over the kitchen counter, "So…I've never owned a kitty cat."

Drinkers: Izuru, Grimmjow.

"Does it count if you dissected it five minutes after you bought it from the pet shop?" Mayuri asks. Gin nods.

Drinkers: Izuru, Grimmjow, Szayel, Mayuri.

"Mayuri-san, you're so mean!" Izuru cries and Hisagi throws an arm around him protectively.

"I've never had eyebags." Yumichika says smugly.

Drinkers: Everybody save for Szayel, who runs a gloved hand over his cheekbones proudly.

It's Ikkaku's turn. "I…I've never vandalized a car?"

Drinkers: Hisagi, Ilforte, Gin.

"What if you pissed on the seats on purpose…not-not that I did but yeah." Grimmjow whispers to Ilforte. Suddenly a loudspeaker is pressed to his ear and Aizen is saying, "ATTENTION GUESTS: I HAVE HAD THE BUTLER SPIKE YOUR DRINKS WITH A TRUTH SERUM TO ENSURE ALL GAMES REGARDING TRUTHS ARE FAIR."

"It's true," Gin nods. "We could call Tousen up and make him tell ya what he did, if there's need for any convincing."

"Ow, shit!" Grimmjow whines, pressing a hand to his ear as everyone else goes pale. Aizen looks pointedly at Grimmjow and then at the wine. Grimmjow thinks he can feel the serum kick in.

Drinkers: Hisagi, Gin, Ilforte, Grimmjow.

"I've never been mistaken for a girl," Ishida smirks.

Drinkers: Szayel, Izuru, Ulquiorra, Nnoitra, Yumichika, Ilforte, Grimmjow.

"_Grimmjow?_!" Szayel screeches and Grimmjow shrugs.

"It was really long ago."

The room is rather quiet for a while as all eyes search Grimmjow for signs of femininity. In this silence a clear voice speaks up.

"I've never undergone puberty," Hitsugaya says nonchalantly.

Drinkers: Everybody.

"The hell, Taichou…" Ikkaku groans, scratching his bald head.

Stark falls asleep onto the coffee table, smashing his head into a large glass figurine of a swan.

"He's out!" Renji cries gaily.

"I've never tried to dye hair not on my head," Grimmjow snorts.

Drinkers: Szayel, Gin, Izuru.

"I've never danced ballet," Ilforte goes next.

Drinkers: Yumichika, Byakuya.

Cue all eyes on Byakuya, who sips the wine and says placidly, "It's a beautiful pastime."

Renji, still gaping at Byakuya, mutters unthinkingly, "I…I've never done the sixty-nine."

"Omg. That was totally a personal attack." Hisagi sulks.

Drinkers: Aizen, Gin, Szayel,Yumichika, Grimmjow, Hisagi, Izuru, Nnoitra, Ichigo, Ishida, Ilforte.

"These Espada are a little slutty aren't they?" Izuru whispers nervously to Ikkaku.

"I'll show you personal attack," Ikkaku sniggers, "I've never cheated on my significant other."

Drinkers: Aizen, Gin, Szayel, Grimmjow, Nnoitra, Yumichika…and Ishida. The two scientists telepathically cackle in glee at the invaluable data they are collecting.

"Ishida?" Ichigo's head snaps around to glare at his boyfriend through the catcalls coursing through the room. "I thought…I…you…I…!"

"I…I didn't say it was with you," Ishida says, blushing as he pushes his spectacles up the bridge of his nose.

"BUT YOU SAID I WAS YOUR FIRST TIME!" Ichigo seethes.

"I…I…do you remember that time Szayel and I…had a…math project together…" Ishida's voice trails off apologetically.

Aizen's Espada give Szayel thumbs-up grins of admiration except for Grimmjow, while the guests give Szayel horrified expressions.

"YOU…you had sex with that glove-wearing freak?" Ichigo shouts.

"I have no choice but to wear gloves or my hands will get tanner than my arms." Szayel mutters, though nobody is paying attention any longer.

Ichigo's scream shakes the living room and he runs furiously out of the room, with Ishida following calmly and sighing.

Nnoitra clears his throat once or twice to get the crowd's attention before saying, "I've never wanted to jump Aizen-sama's bones."

Aizen gives a 'surprised' little "Oh!"

Drinkers: Byakuya, Renji, Hitsugaya, Hisagi, Izuru, Mayuri, Yumichika, Ikkaku, Szayel, Ilforte, Grimmjow, Gin.

"Isn't that everybody right here?" Ilforte says in an impressed voice.

Drinkers: Byakuya, Renji, Hitsugaya, Hisagi, Izuru, Mayuri, Yumichika, Ikkaku, Szayel, Ilforte, Grimmjow, Gin…Aizen.

"What?" Aizen asks affably, "It would be a dream come true. Now…what about you, Ulquiorra?"

Ulquiorra pretends he hasn't heard the question. I am above all earthly temptation. I am above all earthly temptation. I am…oh, dear. He finds himself kneeling, then standing, then he's taking a drink, his face flushed in a way very unlike his usual self.

"Thank you for abiding by the rules, Ulquiorra," Aizen says, smiling gently.

After midnight Rukia drives over to pick up her brother and his noisy friends, and Aizen stands at the door looking fondly at the group of silly sheep who've just been tricked into believing that he's spiked their drinks with truth serum. Truth serum, _seriously._ He closes the door, still smiling.


End file.
